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A little over a year ago we got our two cats, Chili and Pepper.  Named, of course, after one of my favorite bands, the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  I told Mark we needed barn cats now that we are in the country to capture rats, lizards and other unwanted creatures.  “ Needing” barn cats was very true, the other truth is I really like cats and wanted them.  We got these specific two because they had been found in a field without their mama only a few weeks old and a friend was fostering them.  This friend told me that they would be excellent hunters because they had been “practicing”.  Practicing meant that they were given the opportunity to actively play and “capture” toy mice and things.  They were so little and so cute that when we brought them home, I didn’t want them to be out and about.  Mark agreed, as he was worried about night wildlife in the area getting them.  While he will be the first one to say “I hate cats” in his grumpy grandpa voice, the other truth about our cats is that he loves them.  During the time that they were in the house all the time, they continued to play with their toys and bounce around as kittens do, but I wasn’t sure how this might translate into being good hunters.  Was I stunting their growth in this area because I didn’t let them out right away to learn about their home and the surroundings?  When Chili and Pepper were about 6 months old, there was no holding them back; they practically begged to get outside.  I relented and since that time their routine is that they go outside first thing after all the dogs are fed and spent the day doing cat things around the property and then almost like clockwork they show up at the door to be let in for the night.  (Mark is still concerned about critters getting them. “I hate cats”….sure buddy).  We now have some data and research as to whether or not these cats are good hunters.  The results are a resounding yes!!  Not a day has gone by that, each or together, don’t catch a lizard, bird or snake.  Every day!!!  Lizards seem to be their easiest catch but each day something is caught.  What does any of this long story have to do with happiness?  Well, I’ve been listening to a podcast recently called The Happiness Lab by Dr. Laurie Santos with Yale University on the science of happiness and I believe my hunting cats are a great example of some of the principles of which Dr. Santos speaks.  I’m not going into her discussions as I think you should listen to her and she speaks much more eloquently on the subject and I don’t want to get sued for plagiarism.  Research indicates that more stuff isn’t the indicator of predictive happiness.  Happiness can be gained through practice.  Practice of purpose and gratitude.  When we are living for a purpose and pursuing that purpose we tend to be happier because we are of service to others and we have our “why”.  When we are grateful for the permanent things we have such as relationships, health, experiences rather than chasing after more “stuff” we tend to be happier.  Mark and I have certainly found that our pursuit of happiness does land in the simple things.   Our purpose, we believe, is to be of service to others, our family and our community.  We have found that getting new “stuff” is fun and causes feelings of happiness in the moment but lasting happiness is something that isn’t going to occur with new things, it’s the everyday practice of purpose and gratitude.  My cats get to live out their purpose every day, they do it well and I’d like to think they are happy.

I never really liked the term “step” child, parent, sibling etc.  I have never understood why “step” is the word used to label the child/parent and other family relationships between those that have become a family through marriage rather than biological or adoption.  If we look at it a positive way, maybe it means a parent who “stepped” up to help parent a child that is not their own.  Even that, though, indicates that there was a need to do so, like the other parent is not available or something.  After doing a bit of research I found out:  “the original sense of the coming from “step” can be seen in a related Old English verb, “astepan,” which meant “to bereave or deprive.” Thus “steocild” (“stepchild”) in Old English meant “orphan,” that is, a child deprived of a parent by death.  When that child’s surviving parent remarried, the “steopcild” became a “steopsunu” (stepson) or “steopdohtor” (stepdaughter) in relation to the new parent, who was either a “steopmodor” (stepmother) or “steopfaeder” (stepfather).”  Deseret News, May 30, 1999.  Over time it evolved to include the relationships formed through marriage after divorce.  So now, I feel justified in not liking the term, it’s out dated and really not accurate to describe most blended families.  I have always called Rocke and Jake my “bonus” sons.  That is exactly what they are to me; a bonus, a wonderful addition to my life; and I know that Mark feels that way about Lauryn and Cameron too.  When Mark and I got together a little over 10 years ago, Lauryn was 20 and attending college at San Jose State, Cameron was 19 attending extended special ed high school, Rocke was 17 and Jake 15 both in high school.  The four of them never lived together and because of the various life stages that they were each in they didn’t form any sort of forced relational bond.  They were all basically adults so their relationships developed on their own.  I would never try to define their relationships; “close”, “not close”, “friendly”, or “distant”.  Their connections are all uniquely their own.  I will be very willing to bet, though, that if any one of them needed something from the other, they would come through for them.  Both Rocke and Jake have always been so patient and understanding of Cameron’s challenges with autism and champion his successes.  Lauryn has been generous with her advice on law school and the profession when Jake was considering law school himself.  Cameron has always looked to Rocke and Jake as models for various things for which he aspires.  So yes, our family is not even a typical “step family” but there’s things that make me smile when I hear of them reaching out to each for advice, sharing a joke or good news or just laughing together at Cameron’s latest attempt at a comic strip or story.  The rare times a year we are able to get all together are the days I live for and feel so grateful for our little motley crew that continues to expand with partners, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.  Our family continues to evolve and I truly hope continues to welcome in all of the “bonuses” they get to add throughout this life, even after Mark and I are gone.  What defines your family?  Bonuses, friends, neighbors? 

We survived our first week of shelter in place due to the COVID 19 pandemic order. As a mental health provider, my work is considered essential so, as they say, the show must go on. The agency I work for quickly set up systems for our staff to work from home and provide services to our youth and families through virtual and phone platforms. So, I’ve been working from home all week and Mark has had his usual routine mixed up due to that fact. I have taken over spots in the kitchen and office; ordering him to stay out so that my work can be conducted confidentially and without interruption. This, though, has not been our biggest challenge this week. We have a herd of seven goats on part of our property. They are so cute and fun and serve the purpose of keeping down the vegetation in a part that is difficult to mow. Both Mark and I are new to having goats and it’s been both fun and costly at times. This is another one of those “are we crazy to take this on now?” experiences of living in the country. This week the biggest and oldest male, Olaf, has been trying our patience to say the least. Olaf in short, is an asshole and I say that in the most loving way. He’s the first one to ram at the others and is always working to establish dominance. He is also the one to completely not understand the “shelter in place” directive. Twice this week, he has gotten out of our pasture and ventured to the neighboring field. Olaf has gotten out before but it’s been a long time and why now we just don’t know. When he gets out, we know it, the other six start making so much noise that they can be heard through out the countryside. We are not sure if they are upset that he’s out or if they are telling on him. Trying to get him is quite a chore. It takes both of us! This morning we went to get him, goat treats in hand along with a dog leash. It’s a bit of a cat and mouse game as we try to lure him in with the treats, get close enough to grab him, and put the dog leash on his collar. This morning when we went to get him, we discovered that his collar was no longer on his neck so putting the leash on was more difficult than usual. I imagine we were quite a sight, if anyone was watching. Trying to carefully corral this damn goat who very clearly fancies himself superior to all, offering treats that he is turning his nose up to and escaping all of our attempts to grab him. In a stroke of luck, I was able to tackle him, all the while landing in a blackberry bush. As I’m tackling, Mark is grabbing his horns, so that I can get up and put the leash on him. Once we have him, he is very dramatically making choking and gagging sounds from the leash around his neck (he was actually quite fine) and dropping to his knees at every opportunity. Finally, I was able to lead him out of the field, down the road and back into our pasture. The rest of the herd noisily welcoming him back. Olaf’s defiance to staying put, in the safe space of his pasture with his herd is understandable. I think through this shelter in place, we all have felt a bit like Olaf. I know for me, at least at first, thoughts of “I don’t want the government to tell me what to do” crossed my mind more than once. We, though, do not have the luxury of being selfish like Olaf. We have to stay in our pasture for the safety and well being of others. But I will say, having to spend some time wrangling goats has broken up some of the mundane of the shelter in place.

Here it is….our first blog!!!  I have been wanting to start a blog for over a year and about 6 months ago I said to Mark “How about we do one together”.  Luckily, he said “sure!” and here we are.  Part of the delay has always been; what’s the focus, what do I (we) want to write about? What makes us think anyone would even be interested?  Well, the reality is that many may not be interested but we see this blog as an opportunity to start conversations and maybe provide support and hope to others along the way.  We hope to provide some entertainment and a peek into our lives that have been full of lessons and love along the way. 

Rather than continue to wait for the “perfect time” or to have the “perfect material” to write about, we’ve decided to go for it.  Timing is interesting, we are currently in a state of emergency both in our state of California but also our county and worldwide over the pandemic COVID-19.  This is causing businesses, schools and public services to shut down and calling for people to isolate or to engage in “social distancing”.  It’s a time of change, managing the unknown and uncertain future.  While we haven’t experienced something like this before, none of us have been able to escape change.  It’s throughout our lives, assuming we are actively living.  Mark and I have been together just slightly over 10 years now.  We blended a family of 4, my daughter and son and his two sons.  In that 10 years, we have faced many changes, job loss, health concerns, family situations, the move into our country home, additions to our family (that includes our grandson, Cash, this year) etc etc.  With all of these changes, wonderful and not so wonderful we have come to realize a few things: 1. Change requires us to think differently than we’ve thought before.  What skills, strengths and systems that worked in the past, may not work in the same way any longer.  2. Change requires us to learn new skills. There’s always something new we need to activate in order to be successful. 3. Change has helped us grow deeper in our faith in God and each other.  We learn (usually in hindsight) that the change was necessary and served a purpose.  4. Change keeps us humbled and grounded.  Just when we think we’ve got it all together, something comes up and reminds us that we still have a lot to learn. 

What have you learned through change?  What gets you through uncharted waters?

Thanks for stopping by, hope you will join us again. In future blogs, we’ll be talking about our decision to move to the country, Mark’s early retirement, our family, kids and grandson, life on our “farm”, dog stuff and more.   Feel free to contact us, we’d love to start the conversations and get through life together.